Howlin' at the Moon

2002-10-05T16:55:00.000-05:00

I have made a little discovery. I'm ashamed that recently I've been questioning how come I love Nicci so much, and that if I feel the same for her as I did a year ago.

I got my answer today, when she missed showing up (or is at least taking her longer) at the time she said she could log in. I suppose I still love her way too much as the clock ticks by only deepens the hollowness I'm feeling at her not showing up.

So, it's not that I love her any less... it's just that I learned to endure her absence.

2002-09-21T01:33:00.000-05:00

Even your silence is a promise

2002-06-28T16:50:00.000-05:00

And I break my head trying to think about plots... I've found the answer!

2002-05-31T18:14:00.000-05:00

Nicci is finally being transferred to the Air Force, starting tomorrow. Yet all is not well. She came back hurt, and I not mean wounded, but hurt. I can never know what she experienced in her latest mission, but it looks like it affected her greatly. And I, as always, worry about her. She is withdrawn, and I had to coax a night of chatting out of her, dragging her from a friend's home via SMS whining. I'm glad I did, else I would not have been able to talk to her for the entire week.

She didn't even say goodbye when she went to her barracks today, and that hurts. Part of the hurt is that she doesn't trust me to understand, and another infuriating part is the same song about how I deserve something better than her. Can't she understand that if I wanted something else, I'd be looking for it? I don't stay with her out of pity, but because I truly love her.

Do all women have so low self-esteem or only the ones I go out with?

I wish she could love herself as much as I love her. Her pain is my pain, and it hurts me to see her like that. I hope that flying will bring her some resolution, it is her lifelong dream and I hope that it will be all that she was waiting for.

I will probably move to England to work. I have no idea when, if it will be this year, the next, or further, but the fact is that the possiblity is open. I would be in the same timezone as Nicci, and only a small strip of water would separate us, instead of a whole ocean. She would only need to say the word, and I would hop to the fastest transport to Germany to be with her. But she must want that first...

I hate leaving her feeling like that, but she went to sleep and my only communication with her is the cellphone and, come tomorrow, that might be gone too, if her service is not roaming. She speaks of flying on broken wings because she cannot be what I deserve... and I wish she allowed me to call her to set her mind at ease, or that things were different and I could just shut her up with a kiss or a hug when she started speaking like that but, alas, a caveat of Internet relationships is that you can never have that option.

My hopes are hanging from her fulfiling her dream and liking it. I cannot do much else from so far away.

2002-03-28T01:31:00.000-06:00

I'm turning into a cry-baby... or more likely, somewhere, somewhen I lost most of the shielding around my emotions and I find many more things getting to me than before.

Case in point: I bought the soundtrack for "Black Hawk Down". While I still have many reservations about watching the movie, most of them a refusal to watch a propaganda film about how much we should thank the U.S. for butting their nose where it doesn't belong. Another one is that Nicci is again on the field, a couple of months before her new training was supposed to begin, and she was sent away again.

I'm afraid that this movie is going to punch me hard.

I bought the CD anyway because I love Hans Zimmer's work, and he hasn't disappointed me yet; this CD is fantastic, and I might just go see the movie to see what Ridley Scott did to be underlined by this music.

But while listening to the track with Lisa Gerard in vocals I was reading the CD's jacket, and my mind suddenly wandered to the subject of the movie, to the soldiers who had to fight through enemy lines to return home. I hate international U.S. politics and their meddling hollier-than-thou position, but I can't stop thinking about how the politicians are using their young in their wars, how each soldier, as unjust as his war might be, is a person with a family waiting for him. My throat closed up with the music, with the memories of Nicci going MIA last year, and thinking how many people have been in my position, but their aftermath was much different than mine: their loved ones did not return.

So, I'm bringing a lot of tissues when I go to see "Black Hawk Down", because I'm sure I'm going to cry for the people that see their lives destroyed by the bloodthirst of petty leaders from both sides of all conflicts.

I once told Nicci that she had saved me from an emotional apathy I was falling into. And boy, is this correct! I'm crying for U.S. soldiers, dammit! Oh, the irony......

2002-03-23T02:32:00.000-06:00

How can I miss so much something I've never had?

How can I long for the sound of a voice I have never heard?

How much can I stand this? How much until I'm drained? How much longer must I be content with so little?

2002-02-06T14:58:00.000-06:00

I'm having that nagging, annoying premonitory feeling again. Or I don't know if it is, which makes it more annoying still. I'm feeling a bit irritable, uncomfortable, etc. the same feeling, or one very alike, to the ones I have when something happens. I'm not sure if I should attribute it to my rather mentally exhausting week of writing a 64-pages sourcebook as an emergency because the original author failed to deliver, or because something happened to Nicci, who is away on an exercise, and hasn't answered my messages to her cel, like she has the previous days.

2002-01-28T13:10:00.000-06:00

It's not fair.

So, here's another addition to my collection of miseries (I think that this blog will be devoted to record my miserable moments). Problem is... I don't know how to write about it now that I have the blog window open... well, Nicci's going out on exercise this week, so I won't be seeing her this weekend. Though "see" is completely metaphorical... it means only that she'll be paying more attention to me on ICQ than she can on SMS.

Though, my rant for today has less to do with her than with frustration... so I'll be general and appropriately vague... sometimes its tiring being the good guy; I have very large reserves of good will, energy and emotional resources, but they sometimes hit the red line, and that's when I start thinking about myself a little more. I'm not selfish, but when in the red line, I start looking for fuel, because selflessness is very expensive to keep running and I sometimes need things to be done for me.

It's not too much to ask, eh? A bit of self-interest in-between periods of martyr-like patience and understanding...

And I can't talk about it because I promised not to, and even if I torture myself by mulling it over, when the opportunity presents itself I'm too ecstatic to even think it was bothering me before.

2002-01-11T17:28:00.000-06:00

Funny, how I always feel a warm emptyness when she says goodbye to go to sleep...

2002-01-09T12:24:00.000-06:00

The Geek Hierarchy. I see that I've been climbing up slowly to a less geeky position :).

2002-01-09T02:39:00.000-06:00

Hmmm... judging from my posts, it could be believed that my life is one tragedy after another; . I guess that being happy makes me forget to write into this blog, so by checking the space between logs... I could say I've been pretty happy lately.

Or maybe it's because I've been incredibly busy. And being busy makes me happy? ;P Go figure. The thing is that I'm working now, and working feels good, specially in the kickass job I have ^_^. Of course, I'm back with my bad habit of agreeing to do more stuff than the day has hours to do them in...

On the cryptic "only I will understand" vein... monsters populate this world; monsters who destroy and devour precious things. I feel it my duty to nurture back into health some of those precious things or at least the ones that are precious to me.

It sounds simplistic, but that's all I dare to write, since thanks to Erich, this blog now shows up in a Google search! :P Though I might be unfair in blaming Erich and it's Blogger that is at fault, or Google's bots are really powerful.

The terrible thing I did is behind me, and all seems to be well now. I wish I could wax poetic about my reasons and to what it is that I did... but see above. There are secrets that are not meant to be uploaded. No matter how secure we think a server is.

2002-01-05T20:25:00.000-06:00

I fear I've done something terrible.

Or else I'm being paranoid. Nicci didn't come online today, and I'm deeply afraid that she might have been hurt by something I did last night, long after we had parted ways yesterday. Or, like on some other times, her absence today could be attributed to more mundane causes; she's in Moscow with her parents, and thus she can't use her cel to warn me of any technical problems. Or that she was too tired to log in...

But I'm fairly sure that she read her mail, and thus getting the little bomb that may have had unforeseen consequences. Or maybe Yahoo played a cruel trick on me and is making me imagine all kinds of stuff.

Whatever the cause, her absence today hurts, and it's worse because it may have been my fault.

Not even my sister giving me a Strider figure from Burger King's LotR promotion has lifted the dark shadow hovering over my mood.

2002-01-05T01:39:00.000-06:00

I feel like a ghost.

I asked for a revelation and got more than I bargained for.

And never have I felt so insubstantial... so... ineffective. I sense the presence of the living yet I cannot touch them; they would rather keep my existance in the realm of the imaginary, or the ethereal because of fear of what my real existance would mean for them.

When I go back to this and read it, I will understand, others will not, and that is just as well.

I am a ghost, with no physical existance but driven by emotions.

2002-01-04T09:05:00.000-06:00

I really should do more exercise. Even if from vacation from kendo. -And- I must get myself a new chair, one with proper back support. I say this because now that my job consists of mainly sitting down all day in front of my own computer, instead of one provided by an employer, and the chair I bought wasn't exactly meant to be sat on for more than 4-5 hours at a time.

I want to avoid back problems.

So, time has prevented me to post my New Year resolutions, mainly becais when you write for a living, you tend to forget to write other things, or to put it mildly to waste words that would be used somewhere else :), So, for this year, this is part a resolutions and a to do list:

*) Get myself registered in the National Author's Registry
*) Get car insurance
*) Exercise every morning, try to rise early by going to bed not-as-late
*) Buy a no-break
*) Get a Wacom pad and an optical mouse
*) New chair, see above.
*) Learn more German, perhaps some Japanese too.
*) Save money, keep my account at five digits starting march (after I pay debts, and it's pesos digits)
*) Maybe, maybe go to Germany for Oktoberfest, though beer is merely a secondary interest in going :)
*) Normalize my tax situation
*) Get my car fixed.

2001-12-25T15:54:00.000-06:00

Christmas tally:

1) "The Book of Things that Never Were", beautiful hardback, half artbook half encyclopedia of myths, legends and mythical places, people and creatures from all over the world.

2) Final Fantasy: the Spirits Within, DVD. So I like it,

3) 2 shirts, 1 sweatshirt, 3 pairs of socks. Things I don't go out of my way to buy for myself, so I'm grateful :)

4) 1 chinese dragon statuette for Feng Shui purposes.

5) Driving gloves! The cool, no-fingers type.

6) Dungeons & Dragons movie, VCD. I forgive my father, he didn't watch it but knows I'm writing for D&D games now :)

7) "The Devil's Dictionary" by Ambrose Bierce. Delightful little book for the cynic in me :)
All in all, a good balance :).

I miss Nicci. She's only been gone for, what... 2 days? She's with family, celebrating Christmas, but I miss her anyway.

Cause for worry: SMS appears not to work when I try to message her, but the messages from her cel do get here. ;_;

AAARGH!!! I miss her so much!!! ;_;

2001-12-24T16:45:00.000-06:00

Happy, joy. :)

I'm not drunk, at least not yet since it's too early, but I wanted to write something about how happy I am this day.

I've been chatting with Nicci for the past few days, and the Nicci-shaped hole in my life is plugged. I love her, and it could be argued that it's an insane kind of love for all the difficulties in our path, but I still do. My heart warmed over with her expressions of joy when she opened my present.

My book for White Wolf is selling amazingly well for an e-book and the utter lack of advertisement and announcements and I'm getting accepted by the RPG freelancing community. I have received notice from the business-minded partner at Mongoose about my contract and Non-Disclosure Agreement being on their way, and I've snagged a small yet meaningful commission for a Mage: the Ascension book.

My family is well and healthy and our tree is laden with the gifts we have gotten for each other.

Yes... this is a good time and I am happy and content.

I shall repeat that Nicci is a great contributor to that happyness, and making her happy is one of the greatest joys I've experienced.

Now... if I could only spread and contagiate this Warm And Fuzzy Feeling to my more depressed friends...

2001-12-20T14:56:00.000-06:00

I guess my physical condition must be getting better. Even after skipping several kendo practices, last night's didn't exhaust me as much, and it doesn't hurt so much in the morning after. Not so much anyway...

Even if sensei said that us novices would stop using the full armor to concentrate on the basic techniques, we are still donning them and beating at each other. Which is fun, I must admit.

Well, the point is that last night I was paired of against the sense. I finally got the first-hand experience of a "flurry of blows"; the man is fast. However, I did manage to score a point when he raised his shinai to attack and I struck to his midsection. Surprised even me :)

I hadn't written this because my mind has been wandering and distracted; and not precisely because I was doing three things at once, as I usually do. Actually I didn't accomplish a thing except finding and downloading some tracks from the Asterix movie soundtrack... Nope. My mind was all over the place because I couldn't take my mind off Nicci. She's home now... but I don't know this because she contacted me finally, but because of her sister... she says Nicci is still not ready to come online.

While the fact that she's home finally does put me more at ease than I've been in weeks, I've gone from being worried to being concerned. My selfish part wants to talk to her to fill this gaping hole in my heart, but my more sensible part (the one that usually wins out most of the times) is telling me to wait; to give her the time she needs. Gaaah... in any case, it's not as if I could do a damned thing... if she's not online, it's not as if I can reach out of the phone lines, and with her cell phone off, I can't take that route either... however, I'm too chicken to actually try SMSing her now that I know she's home... the war between selfishness and sensibility goes on and on.

And if I start pondering or trying to justify myself in my attempts to press myself back into her life, I'd be doing the same thing I accuse Erich of: thinking too much.

So I'm in a strange state of sadness or melancholy; I'm glad Nicci is safe now, but I'm concerned about what changes her experience might have brought. And there's again the impotence and powerlessness of not being able to tell her that I'll always be here for her until she resolves things on her own and comes back online.

2001-12-19T03:16:00.000-06:00

Still no news... I want Nicci back in my life... am I being too impatient? I felt like this just after she left; I had begun to cope when news of her missing hit me hard, again, I started to cope when news of her return arrived. Now, during the week of her return, the hole she left in my heart is aching. It's only tuesday/wednesday, and it feels like an eternity from monday.

To boot, Jessi is offline in all ways; the cell phone is turned off, so I can't even turn to that avenue of communication to ask for updates, even if they'll only garner a "not yet"... it would be nice and helpful.

Gods...

2001-12-18T02:18:00.000-06:00

I'm usually a patient man. I've been told that I have the patience of a saint. But I can't stand the wait; I want to talk to Nicci, I want to make sure she's allright... and I have more selfish reasons: I need her, I can't take this wait calmly... knowing that she could be on the other end of the ICQ line any time, any day this week... I whimper to myself in the darkness and everything on TV, music, web pages... everything somehow reminds me of her...

2001-12-16T16:49:00.000-06:00

[dancing Snoopy's Happy Dance]

Starting on January 1st. 2002, you may call me Mr. Game Developer/Staff Writer for Mongoose Publishing.

Now... a single word from Nicci will complete my life ^_^

2001-12-15T18:33:00.000-06:00

Employment is good.

While I'm not yet employed, there are very, very strong possibilities that I might start working for Mongoose Publishing. I just received the email that says I'm on the final candidate list, and they only need some extra legalities stuff to deal with in order to make a final decision.

I'm so getting this job :)

I also received my first paycheck from White Wolf; while it's not the big one I expect for Trinity: Terra Verde, it was a nice surprise to receive it in the mail. It's for a short story to be published by the ends of January in Scarred Lands Anthology. With this paycheck, my career in the RPG industry has officialy begun, and it will get better once I can call myself a Game Developer ^_^.

ARGHH! On other aspects of my life, I'd be biting my nails if I hadn't clipped them this week, and I'd be counting the hours if I knew what time there was left for Nicci to come home... I miss her, I want to share with her these successes, I want to talk to her, make sure she's really there... she'll be home sometime next week... hopefully she'll be home to get the Christmas present I got her from Amazon.de (it's quite a different experience, buying from an Amazon site in which I need a dictionary to understand what I'm clicking on :) ).

It looked like this Christmas would be the worse of my life, but it looks like it's getting a whole lot better at the last possible minute ^_^

2001-12-11T20:11:00.000-06:00

I have several reasons to be happy right now. Actually, two, but "several" sounds nice :)

1) Nicci is alive!
I found out half a day ago, but I've been too busy being happy, and helping my mom get the groceries, to write just how happy I am. I was chatting with Jessi when she received a phone call... now, the two sisters' method of ICQing consist of warning whenever they leave the PC for whatever, so Jessi said the phone was ringing.

I had the wishful thinking that it was from the military, telling her that Nicci had been found and lo and behold! It was!!!

Again, there is no further info except that she is in a military hospital somewhere, but that she will be back home by next week. I know she won't be allowed to tell anyone about her experiences, so I won't ask her, besides the point that the memories are probably Not Good.

She's back... I'll have her back.... ^_____^

Now... reason number 2:

Last night I was among the fortunate few in all the world to watch Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. I snagged some passes from my old employer and, even if it was cold (the projection was out in the open, on top of a small mount in Six Flags Mexico), the seats were uncomfortable and there were too many people, I enjoyed it thoroughly.

Items in the "I went to the LotR premiere and all I got was..."

a) A cushion: Because the auditorium's seat were cold and hard, the organizers gave us this ^_^.

b) Invitation: Which was quite cool and we got to keep it: the passes were inside ^_^. cover | inside 1 | inside 2

Now, I only have to receive my paycheck from White Wolf for Trinity: Terra Verde (I'll link to it directly once it's in their catalog) to be completely happy. Oh, and if I get the job at Mongoose Publishing, my life will be close to perfect. ^_^

2001-12-08T23:08:00.000-06:00

I've been feeling weird all day. I was in a failry good mood in the morning, then I started feeling depressed, then very down, then in a good mood again. Right now I just feel -tired-. My head may start to hurt, but it hasn't decided yet. Maybe I'm sick, or maybe it was the pollution.

I hope that it isn't yet another premonitory flash. specially since my mom, who's far more sensitive towards those things, also got that odd feeling of "something will happen."

On another news, it pays to be a nice person. As part of my survival tactics, I've begun to sell some of my stuff; things that were only gathering dust and could be better served in somebody else's shelves. For example, yesterday I took a D&D campaign setting book called Kingoms of Kalamar to my local store so they could sell it off for me. They'd keep a percentage of course.

Now, that book is one of the worse campaign worlds I've ever read. Or maybe I'm exaggerating; maybe it's not the worst, but it certainly is the most boring; there was no hurt seeing that thing go. The store I took it to is the same store I demonstrate White Wolf games at, me having started the first Wolf Pack official Demo Team in Mexico. That and the store owners and employees are nice people and we're friends. So, I take this big boring book to sell and find that they have new merchandise, including Oriental Adventures for Dungeons & Dragons, a book I'd been waiting for as it related to three of my ongoing projects, and because I'm a sucker for Asian stuff.

I asked one of the managers if it was possible to trade my book for a copy of OE, he checked the conditions of my book (perfect, I never read it back to back... too boring) and said that he'd do it only because it was me. ^_^. So I got rid of a boring waste of paper that was only taking up space, and got in exchange a much more useful book that I'd been waiting for, and only because it was me. ^_^.

2001-12-08T04:10:00.000-06:00

I feel alone... watching a good episode of an anime tends to do that to me. It's very late, and I feel like I should be writing or drawing, but nothing will come out.

I guess I'll go to sleep now.

2001-12-08T01:20:00.000-06:00

Game books can only contain half the story.

These are more or less the words from the developwer of my White Wolf book, Bruce Baugh, an overall fun, nifty and professional guy. I've been chatting with him a lot recently and I've learned a lot about the RPG industry by the tidbits of gossip and the pearls of wisdom like the one above.

That's more or less what I've applied to all the RPGs I run: either as an author or as a GM, I'm only providing one half of the story; the other part comes from the players. And that's the problem with PC and console-based RPGs: the program provides all the story; all the player contributes is the bodycount and an oncreasingly big inventory.

I can't deny that I'm excited about the opportunities opening in front of me. I come one step closer towards one of my dreamjobs: full time writer or something related. Last job I got very close by editing an Internet magazine /(-not- an e-zine), but if I get the British job and a new project launches, I'll be fulfilling my vocation as a storyteller.

I only must remember to tell nothing more than the half of the story.

2001-12-07T11:24:00.000-06:00

BTW... I'll be watching Lord of the Rings on monday. My ex-employer, a publishing house, co-organized a big premiere and I, still in contact with my old workmates, managed to snatch some passes.

Hey, I still write for one of the magazines, I'm entitled...

2001-12-07T11:14:00.000-06:00

There are times when you try to sleep, that you feel like you're falling, and then you awaken with a start, almost a jump to counter the "falling".

According to those who believe in it, that's a botched attempt of astral travel.

I've had one each of the last three nights.

Last night's was the one that called my attention to the fact. Tonight I will try to relax and let go. Easier said than done, but so many consecutive attempts could mean something. I don't think Nicci is trying to pull me out, nope; I don't think it works that way. I attribute it more to my intense desire to go to her; after all... it's one of my favorite daydreams, the kind I play with to keep my hopes up.

My inability to just letting go has a long history; I've had these failed take-offs before, but these nights I've been staying up very, very late, working on my D&D book, and sleeping only 5 hours. I'll try to go to bed early today, and see what happens.

2001-12-07T01:11:00.000-06:00

This is a post that I deleted in time; it was about to go into a mailing list and it'd only have fueled the flamewar that was just around the corner. I liked it anyway...

---
As an agnostic pantheistic animist, I believe that there is a greater power inhabiting all that exists, but it's so vast and infinite that our minds are simply not prepared to understand it. We create words like "god" and "goddess" to adapt its aspects and reduce them to something we can handle with our limited cognitive power. We use words like "the Lord" and "the Mother" to indicate our lower status to it but, in the end, all worship is the same.

So, my deity reveals its power to me daily. The fact that my atoms hold together is proof of its existance; scientific facts prove how exquisite and intricate the deity's work can be and how small we are compared to it. That all the factors to create life in a rolling ball of fire floating in space got together and evolved to what we are now is a show of divine power.

But my deity doesn't speak to me directly; I'd simply go mad. My deity is beyond love and hate. My deity doesn't have enemies.
----

2001-12-06T02:51:00.000-06:00

"It does not do to dwell on dreams alone, and forget about living."

I watched the Harry Potter movie again; this time with my mom. She loved it thoroughly, and the above quote suddenly leapt into my head.

I was tremedously pissed off at what I thought was a sick joke on a friend. Turned out that it wasn't, but in the mean time, I felt a burning rage... I'm basically a canine fellow; I grow very attached and protective of those I take into my pack.

Thing is... such anger kind of burned away most of the negative feelings I've had these days, and I emerged with a newfound sense of hope and optimism.

Going back to the above quote, it's from Harry Potter (and I'm not even sure it's correct); the old, wise wizard warns young Harry about not living in the magic illusion that his parents are still alive, but concentrate on real life itself. This is both right and wrong in ways that I don't know if J.K. Rowling thought. Or at least right and wrong inside my personal Truth.

Yes, living in wishful thinking is harmful in the long run, but dreams are but the stage where our desires play out; I'm a born daydreamer, and I cook up scenarios, both for real life and whatever fiction I'm working on at the moment. I draw strength from these dreams, because I do not leave them in the realms of the intangible; I use their energy and transform them into raw creative force. I'm strong when I create, I set a loop of energy as I transform and shape my dream into a drawing, a story, a rpg session or a set of D&D rules. When I'm strong, I can lend this strength to others, and as I'm waking up a bit tired and with some feeling of being spent, I wager that I'm sending this strength to Nicci, wherever she may be.

So, during the days, my dreams will keep me and my friends strong. During the night, my dreams will keep her strong.

A second source of optimism now is that... and this sounds boastful... my precognitive talent may be growing. I was taking a nap a few hours ago, letting my PC rest from 24 hours of continual service, and I knew somehow that I had to log in. Yes, indeed: I had a message from Jessi, not ten minutes old, asking for support in her loneliness.

So yes; it's wrong to live in dreams and lose focus on the real world, but it's also wrong to forget dreams and all the strength and power they give us.

2001-12-05T10:07:00.000-06:00

Not content on killing innocent bystanders and sending European allies to die for their vendettas, the U.S. is now killing their own:

CNI en Línea Mundo Mueren dos soldados de EU por error de bombardeo

© CNI en Línea.- Dos soldados estadounidenses murieron y 20 resultaron heridos este miércoles cuando una bomba de Estados Unidos explotó en el lugar donde se encontraban, al norte de la ciudad afgana de Kandahar, en el sur de Afganistán, dijeron fuentes del Pentágono.

Una cifra indeterminada de combatientes de la oposición también murieron al norte del último bastión talibán en Kandahar. Es allí donde fuerzas de la oposición intentan derrocar a los asediados ex gobernantes de Afganistán, dijo el teniente coronel Dave Lapan, vocero del Pentágono.

Dave Lapan dijo que el explosivo involucrado en el incidente fue una JDAM, una bomba de 2 mil libras guiada por satélite, que fue lanzada desde un avión B-52.

Fuentes estadounidenses que el error pudo haberse debido a que fueron entregada coordenadas equivocadas, o fueron recibidas coordenadas incorrectas o el sistema no funcionó adecuadamente.

Translation:

Two American soldiers de by error in bombing

© CNI en Linea. - Two American soldiers died and 20 were wounded this Wednesday when a United States bomb exploded in the place where they were, to the north from the Afghan city of Kandahar, in the south of Afghanistan, said sources of the Pentagon.

An indetermine number of opposition combatants also died to the north of the last Taliban bastion in Kandahar. It is there where forces of the opposition try to overthrow the besieged ex-rulers of Afghanistan, said Lt.Col. Dave Lapan, spokesman of the Pentagon. Dave Lapan said that the explosive involved in the incident was a JDAM, a 2 thousand pounds bomb guided by satellite, that was sent from a B-52 airplane . American sources said that the error could have been made because mistaken coordinates were given, or were received incorrectly or the system did not work suitably.

2001-12-05T09:36:00.000-06:00

I felt I needed an example for my networking idea below... it was really late and I don't make much sense when I want to go to bed. Compare the following reactions to my current situation with Nicci:

a) We miss her too and we pray for her safety. Have faith and be strong Al-X-sama.
b) You know, you worry too much about someone you haven't even met.

a) is from jester , a girl from Singapore whose existence I wasn't aware of until Erich pointed her out to me. b) is from my sister, whom I've been living with for the 26 years of her life. Mind you, our relationship is pretty good, as far as siblings go.

Seriously, the net is the future, when a complete stranger living in the other side of the world can empathize better than a blood relative.

2001-12-05T04:46:00.000-06:00

Networking is the answer. In a project I'm working on, humanity can network. But this is not like the business buzzword at all, for this network is a group of minds together, sharing knowledge and experience. A networked humanity has a conscience of being a species. A networked humanity knows the pain of every member of the network.

Inspiration? The more mundane concept comes partly from the anime series Serial Experiments Lain, but what I really want that should come, is the minds of men and women all over the world, or at least in localized regions that can interconnect, tap into the frequency of the world, like the anime theorizes. That way we can also feel our planet's pain at our abuse.

Despite what many gamers and sci-fi buffs think, I loved Final Fantasy : the Spirits Within. It's the first sci-fi movie that comes closest to my religious beliefs. Going back to the network, think about what connecting with the Earth could be like... if G.W. Bush could feel what his country, the one that produces the most pollution per capita of the entire world, is doing to the planet, he wouldn't have pulled out of the Kyoto agreements. If Ariel Sharon could feel the pain of Palestinian schoolchildren killed by missiles that "missed" their target, he wouldn't be so ready to order artillery attacks. Also, if the terrorists of any part of the world could feel in their own flesh what their sacrifice does to those left behind, they'd think twice.

I want to wire humanity together. It's the only way we as a species will understand what we are doing to ourselves and to our world.

2001-12-04T04:05:00.000-06:00

And in the same CD, I just found my prayer:

May it be an evening star
Shines down upon you
May it be when darkness falls
Your heart will be true
You walk a lonely road
Oh! How far you are from home.

Mornie utúlië (darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantië (darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now.

May it be the shadows call
Will fly away
May it be you journey on
To light the day
When the night is overcome
You may rise to find the sun.

Mornie utúlië (darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantië (darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now.

A promise lives within you now.
- May It Be, Enya
Lord of the Rings soundtrack

As if I didn't love that story enough...

2001-12-04T03:57:00.000-06:00

When the cold of Winter comes
Starless night will cover day
In the veiling of the sun
We will walk in bitter rain.

But in dreams
I still hear your name
And in dreams
we will meet again.

When the seas and mountains fall
And we come, to end of days
In the dark, I hear a call
Calling me there
I will go there
And back again
- In Dreams, Fran Walsh & Howard Shore
Lord of the Rings soundtrack

The music is haunting, and just thinking that this goes at the end, with Frodo and Sam heading bravely into Mordor, away from their friends in order to protect them from the One Ring...

damn

Crying again...

I will concentrate on the last verse: and back again.

2001-12-03T23:58:00.000-06:00

OK... kendo tonight was quite a cathartic experience. I hurt like hell, yes, and I was too engrossed in hitting my sparring partner to think of anything else, yes.

The catharsis, however, came when I was driving towards the dojo.

I cried...

I don't mean, that there were tears coming out of my eyes... I truly, truyl cried. I haven't cried like this ever since... damn... since my dog died when I was a little kid... I had to slow down to wipe the tears, and I was in the avenue, so the surrounding mexican machos wouldn't be bothered to see a grown man cry like a baby.

It just came, first the sobs, then the tears, then the wracking sobs. I was gripping the wheel hard so I wouldn't accidentaly let go.

And it's only been one day...

2001-12-03T14:17:00.000-06:00

I was pointed out at this blog. It's a total mystery how this girl found me and more so why she wished to add me to her site of blogs. I don't particularly advertise this and I'm not part of the blogger communities...

I also realized an emerging concept in online culture: the "layout". In several personal pages I've noticed this. The "layout", the site's design, has now taken life of its own as a cultural item in web culture. In the good old days, site design was a mere thing about interface, readability and attracting and keeping visitors. Now it's a set of clothing, something to be changed on a whim.

Once again, users have taken technology and made it into part of their daily lives. I'm not complaining... I'm actually happy to see this new evolution of web culture...

2001-12-03T10:52:00.000-06:00

I though Bush was a madman and the true Antichrist, the man who unleashed the first war in the new millenium... but now I see that Ariel Sharon is just as insane. These two bloodthirsty morons will bring the downfall of our world.

2001-12-03T10:50:00.000-06:00

I wrote this two years ago. It's for a science fiction game, that's now cancelled just before they published my first professional work in the rpg world. I never dreamed I could ever feel like the character in the story. I'm still in the middle, with uncertainty gnawing at my soul. I want it to end, one way or the other. I want Nicci to be alive and return to me but... but if she's dead... I want to know... I want to be able to cry, I want to be able to start healing. The wound is open now, and it will remain so until we receive news of her rescue or her death.

I tried yesterday to read the last message she sent to me. I couldn't. I had to stop reading in the middle... it was just too much for me.

Waking up this morning, between vigil and sleep, I felt a flash of hope and optimisim; I half-dreamed that she had been found... I only wish that -that- comes true as my earlier feeling of unease came true.

I miss her.

2001-12-02T18:57:00.000-06:00

"2nd Lt Nicole Sanders MIA, no further info."

That's all what the german army had to say.

2001-12-01T10:52:00.000-06:00

I woke up upset.

It's not something like violently upset, but with a nagging feeling of... something. This usually happens to me when something dire is about to happen. If this feeling continues, I'll start to worry.

2001-12-01T03:25:00.000-06:00

I can't believe the levels of credulity of people... actually, I do; I just had some hope that people were smarter than what they really are.

What brought this up? The news; I still watch BBC and CNN, plus my local networks, I hear the politician's comments and I can see that they are utter crap. Forget for a minute the "War against Terror" (can of worms, definitely); politicians speak of "evil", of "democracy" and the truth as that they don't understand the concept.

What good is democracy inside a country if they constantly violate other countries freedom of culture? What good are accusations of terrorism from one who answers rock-throwing with heavy artillery? What does "majority" means when statistics are used to mean whatever the politicians wanted them to mean in the first place?

To boot, the anime I see to recover my faith in humanity is on lease to a friend.

In my own country, the right is blind to reality, and the left is a bunch of opportunist that care more for their careers than for the people who elected them... and who blindingly still believe them to be great.

Pfeh... morons all...

2001-11-27T03:10:00.000-06:00

Erich worries too much about me. :)

My emotional armor is quite thick, and past the initial shock of Nicci's departure, it had time to grow again, and I can say that my worry for her is again on the healthy part of the meter.

I'm getting to see another side of her I wanted to see. She asked me to keep track of the online RPG she started around Harry Potter, and since her family is going on a skiing trip, I'm left alone in charge of it.

And I'm talking with Nicci's other online friends; getting to know her by the impression she left in others. It was... educational. Hey, the impression she left on me made me fall in love with her :) By seeing her through others' eyes I get a more compelte picture of the things I missed, and the things she left unsaid 'cause she herself doesn't see them. What can I say? I love her more now.

On a totally unrelated topic, coming up with Prestige Classes for D&D is proving to be both easier and harder than I thought... but I'm confident I'll fill up 32 pages of stuff to send way before my Dec 13th deadline. I'm so going to get this job...

2001-11-26T16:54:00.000-06:00

I had to retire my beloved Netscape 4.6 (yeah, I know, shut up...), For some reason the program became damaged in my last system crash. I'm using 6.1, which is not a favorite but I still like it better than IE. I'm posting this only to restablish cookies and stuff...

2001-11-25T23:58:00.000-06:00

I hate writer's block. I really do. There's little worse than writer's block for one who wants to write for a living, as it seems what fate has decreed for me.

I'm trying to write a D&D sourcebook, and I'm stuck in the middle. I would much like to finish in the following couple of weeks, that would make a great impression on the people who contracted me to do this book, and it'd earn me points in their evaluation process, for this text serves the doulbe purpose of being a work for hire and a test for my job application for them. It's a really cool job, and I want it.

On other news, I've been chatting with Jessi, Nicci's sister. It looks like I'm filling in the role of older sibling that Nicci left temporarily empty with her sudden departure to wherever the german army sent her. She's a fun girl, and really hopes I can go and visit them soon.

And the fact that she was worried when I didn't answer her messages as I slept off last night's rpg session was... well, endearing.

I miss Nicci; and when she returns I will blame her for spoiling the fun of some movies for me. I can't look the same way at soldiers playing cannon fodder to the movie's hero. Sometimes it's just too painful to think that one of those anonymous soldiers could be her.

2001-11-22T11:38:00.000-06:00

I just received word from Nicci; she's OK... still don't know when she will return, but she's OK.

Sounds like an obsession? Maybe; I -did- open this blog initially to vent my pent up feelings, and once she's back and my anxiety subsides I'll use this blog for other things.

Another funny thing is that I'm writing in english, whereas my native idiom is spanish...

2001-11-20T09:34:00.000-06:00

OK, I feel much, much better.

Kendo practice helped a lot; not only was I left too tired to think of anything else than my aching muscles, but also the act of whacking at another guy with a bamboo sword, and being whacked in equal (or greater) measure, helped my mind focus a bit. I had a lot of fun, since actually it was my first time in actual combat, no drills, no kata.

And also, my sensei said something when I told him about Nicci: "that which is yours nothing can ever take away."

I returned home with an easier mind, and a good thing too, because a few hours later, Nicci's sister, Jessi, contacted me; she had a nightmare and wanted someone who'd understand to talk with. I'm eternally grateful to her for the simple fact that she keeps Nicci's cell phone under her pillow... that phone was my only link to Nicci when she was in barracks, gods bless ICQ2000+ and its capabilities to send/receive messages with cell phones. Nicci left that phone to her sister so that I could receive any news from her as fast as possible.

2001-11-19T19:24:00.000-06:00

This is a test.

A friend advised me to set up a blog, though I had been thinking about it for a while.

Tonight I just had to, I needed a venue to vent the hollowness I'm feeling right now.

Nicci is a german paratrooper, and she also happens to be my girlfriend. THanks to this idiotic war of the U.S. against international sovereignity, she has been called to the field. Which field? I have no idea. She wasn't allowed to tell me, nor her family. She wasn't even allowed to say goodbye.

In a few minutes I will leave for my kendo practice. Last week, at this same hour, I was saying goodbye to her over ICQ, joking and wishing that we'd have more time together during the weekend. At this time that I get ready, I see her ICQ contact in the red, glaring at me, reminding me that she's risking her life, and that I don't have the fucking smallest idea as to where, when or how.

I've had a couple of successes today. I just sent the contract to write my first book for the d20 System. I've been progressing greatly in my kendo skills... but everything feels empty, since she's not here for me to share these joys with her.

And just now, when pouring these words in this thing that won't be public for some weeks yet, I'm shedding the first tears of sheer anguish; I miss her. Shit, I haven't even heard her voice and I miss her like I'd miss my right arm.

I'll go now; I'll take some refuge in the physical and mental discipline of martial arts, and I'll pray that she returns safely.